3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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