you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
