Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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