john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
