I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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