"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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