I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
