So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
