My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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