At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
