Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
