she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
