Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Randomize
