i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
