Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
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