Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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