Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
