That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
