I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
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