Screwed.edu
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
being pregnant is like rehab
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
