We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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