im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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