Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
