Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
