If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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