I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
