never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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