I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
