im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I'm passing your future prison.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Randomize
