Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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