That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
