part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
