WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
