My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
