Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Just invented taco cereal.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
