The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
