the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
