Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
