you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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