she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
