I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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