She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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