Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
