i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
