I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
