I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Randomize
