My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
She's the barista slut.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
