I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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