i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
