I must be too annoying 4 u.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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