You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
